I thought I’d finally figured it out; I suppose I was wrong
I really, really just don’t know. I’m not sure where my head is at, and I’d feel disingenuous saying anything contrary to that. Part of me feels like all of this is part of some plan intended to teach me something, but it’s hard for me (especially me) to believe that without proof.I thought I knew what I wanted.I thought I knew what was in front of me (I was going to say: “thought I knew what I had” but that felt unfair to say/assume).
But the only thing I know now is that I’m more alone than I thought I was.
I guess it might be something similar to, like, how an author might? Or maybe it’s closer to what a reader might feel regarding the one-sidedness of the creator-appreciator relationship.
I know for sure that what I felt before was *not* being “seen” or “felt.”
And when I encountered something else, something intellectually engaging, perhaps I mistook that for what I was specifically thinking about when I said I was “missing something”.
I thought this new thing was what I wanted. But maybe it isn’t?That wouldn’t be anyone's fault but mine for having an expectation of a connection that felt somehow… whole.I still just feel so alone. And everything is so surface-level. It’s a ni
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Why
Why does bad shit have to happen to me? I was buying this car from a somewhat friend supposedly and the transmission went out. He came to pick it up to get the transmission fixed because he told me whenever I took the car that he just got the transmission put in and it was under warranty. So he come picked it up to get it fixed. A week later he told me that I needed to have $100 to him by the end of the day. I didn't have $100 by the end of the day but I did have $50 by the next day and I sent the $50 to him. Two weeks later I was in Lubbock and was hoping to pick the car up. I told him I had the $220 remaining on the vehicle, if I could go ahead and pick it up. He informed me that he did not get the transmission fixed that he put it in the bullpen, I guess for the auction. Anyways he no longer had the vehicle. I paid $1,400 for this car. I now I have nothing to go see my son next weekend, whenever I haven't seen him in 6 months.
"I'm dying"
About four months ago, my (31F) dad (73) told me, "I'm dying." He would always say so jokingly, even when it was just a small cold. This time, I just didn't feel it the same way and I didn't laugh. Two weeks later he was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in the liver, they couldn't pinpoint where the original cancer came from. One week later he was having urgent palliative chemotherapy. He died three weeks later, just one week before my birthday, and then the holidays came.
Those words - "I'm dying" - just keep repeating on my head eventhough they weren't his last words to me. He was my best friend, my confidant, the person I could debate about politics, learn about history, talk about medicine, and laugh at stupid jokes.
My dad adopted me when I was 16, but he had been taking care of me since I was 4. He always said, "You are MY daughter," and he would get upset if anyone dared to tell him otherwise. His family on the other hand, never thought the same about my mom and me. They even said so to my face once when I was 18, my aunt and grandma literally said, "You are never going to be part of this family" while hugging my cousin in front of me.
During these last months, while his hea
My voice in recordings sounds nothing like my voice in my head
I recorded myself for a work thing yesterday and played it back. I genuinely did not recognize my own voice for the first few seconds. Like I knew intellectually it was me, but my brain was rejecting it.
I've been talking my whole life thinking I sound one way. Deep enough, clear, normal. But apparently I sound completely different to everyone else. Higher pitched, kind of nasally, and I say "like" way more than I thought I did.
The weirdest part is that everyone I know has been hearing this voice the entire time. When they think of me talking, that's what they hear. But it's not what I hear when I talk. So in a way, everyone's been interacting with a different version of me than the one I experience.
I mentioned this to my roommate and he just shrugged and said "yeah that's what you sound like." Like it wasn't earth shattering information. Meanwhile I'm having a full vocal identity crisis.
I spent like an hour last night just recording myself saying random stuff and playing it back, trying to make peace with it. I was sitting there between recordings playing some FIFA just trying to process this. Still sounds wrong.
Does anyone else struggle with this or is it just me? How do you get used to hearing your actual voice instead of the one in your head?
Walked through a laberinth
What would you do if you walked through a laberinth and you ended up in a different world and everything in the world is in a grayscale except for you.
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