I want to be better
I want to be a better person. I put a lot of value on my ability to be perceived as nice and kind, but when I'm worn down I have a propensity to just snap. The last few relationships and situationships I've had have ended irredeemably because I either snapped at the person when I perceived they were treating me badly for a while or I had a breakdown because I put them on an emotional pedestal and things weren't going the way I wanted them to or they pulled back from me. I really want to stop this, I can't place kindness and niceness as core parts of my identity and then abandon them when things are hard or I don't get my way, that just makes me a hypocrite.
I do have several mitigating factors, I am very mentally ill and have a long history of abandonment and trauma, but these things aren't excuses, and as much as being sick makes my behaviour understandable, it doesn't excuse it or mean that I can't control my actions.
I want to do better but I don't know how. I think I'm going to stop trying to date people for a while. I'm scared because I'm 25 and I really want to have kids, and it feels like I won't be able to have them within my ideal timeframe if I do stop trying and I don't
It’s tough to maintain that façade of kindness when you’re feeling worn out. Acknowledging your limits is essential; snapping doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, just human. Working on self-awareness can help you respond differently next time that frustration boils over.